Late night messages can only mean one thing

For those of you that like the Facebook page, you may have seen me post that I had been in contact with a guy for a few weeks and the day of our first date he disappeared off the face of the earth, BEFORE we even got to meet.
Well after three days of nothing from him he finally text apologizing for his lack of contact and for not going ahead with our date because he wasn't sold on a long distance relationship (we live approx 55 min drive tops from each other).
I thought that smelt like a bullshit excuse and I told him as much (in my friendliest I'm not all that bothered manner) but I was A bit shocked at how far ahead he was looking, we hadn't even met yet and he was worrying about travel distance and bus fares? Ok Mad Mary put the wedding dress away!!!!!!

He did me a favor, as they all have, because that meant I was back to creeping online for Mr.right and what woulda ya's do if I found someone and lived happily ever after.
You'd all be devo'd!!!
So happy days for everyone!
YOUR WELCOME!!

As soon as I logged into my profile the usual suspects began messaging and there is very few I respond to! If they seem nice and are being polite but I'm just not interested I will either mail back and say "sorry I'm not interested but I really hope you find what your looking for!"

Or

If I'm lazy and tired I just don't mail them back.
If on the other hand they call me ;
Babe
Babes
Sexy
Hun
Chick
Chicka

Or any other derogatory term I will sometimes take the piss out of them and see how far it will go before someone cries or vomits... Or both!

I thought it was a reasonable assumption

Escort My hole, you've a head like a burst sofa!

The following is For adults eyes only.....

Is it just me or does it look like a babies arm?

Eh no thanks but thanks for playin'.....

Next on the hit list........

Ohhhh your handsome...

But hang on....

Is that??

No It couldn't....

Does that??

No surely not...

Does your phone have an Ariel?

Think someones digged into there 1990's photos for a profiler!

Ok one more before I go...

Pop back in store when you finish puberty honey

So still havn't found my prince charming online, but I'll keep on keeping on!

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Old McDonald Had a farm.... E, I, E, I, Ooooo

As Part of my new years resolutions, I resolved to going out of my comfort zone even further than normal, in my dating life. I have a bit of a type, not set in stone, its more like what I'm attracted to but those haven't worked so far so maybe I need to change that.

Resolution breakdown:
I'm attracted to guys with dark hair and dark features but always seem to go end up with fair haired guys.
-Need to go on at least one date with a dark haired guy

I love nice arms, bit muscly or toned you could say, don't like really skinny guys and not to fond of meat heads either, I like the in between.
-Try a meat head, ye never know he might have a little something between the ears.

I've always dated Artsy/ Musician types. I'm not into sports so always avoided football fanatics or gym junkies, cause they will just make me feel fatter and lazier than I already feel.
-Get over it and go out with a guy who likes/play sports, he might even encourage you to get off your ass.

Always date dub's! Cant be dealing with accents, stick to what ya know has always been my motto.
- Get over that too, your not in Kansas anymore..... so get used to the accents, ROOOOIGHT!

So there just a few examples of what I was setting myself up for. I changed my search details to look outside of Dublin, Body Type Athletic and didn't click off the profile the second I read they like the gym or playing football 3 times a week, watching it in all their free time and want to play for Sheffield City Farm United football club when they grow up.

I get a message from PB on Jan 3rd @ 7:13 am

PB: Well howz thingz? did santa cum to ya haha

( I don't think a fat man coming into your house in the middle of the night credits a haha but what ev's)

Me: No I was to bold!

PB: I taut tat, u even look it hahaha only jokin, how did you spend your new yrs eve

Me: In prison

( I wasn't in the humor)

PB: I was at my sis wedding (obviously glazing over my jail time!) were do ya head out

Me: To my local tavern usually

 (I'm not telling him where I get drunk regularly in case he shows up there one night) 

where you from?

PB: (he tells me where hes from, I've never heard of it, its about 40 Min's from me in the SHHHHTICKS!)

I don't write back..... I'm a Bitch so what!

Jan 05th 8:30pm

PB: Wel r ya hitin the town tanite?

(I really hate when people don't even try to spell properly! but I did say I'd give the country folk a try so I'll be nice!)

Me: No Quiet Night in for me, working tomorrow so goin' to just chill out tonight.

PB: Jesus u work Sundays, wat kinda job hav u got

Me: (I tell him my job) what do you do?

PB: I used to work in da builden but I work on my familys cattle farm now.

( Definitely not my usual Artsy/ Musician type, but maybe I'll get some free steaks... turns out its a Dairy farm :( ............... Mama don't need no milk...ah well)

After more waffling I agree to go on a date with him in a few days and we are texting every day a few times a day but I'm not really feeling it, so I cancel on the day and say I'm sick. He keeps texting asking am I better and being generally nice so I reckon the least I can do is go for a drink with him after all it was a resolution to try new things, he has dark hair, he plays GAA and does boxing and isn't starving artist, so he's ticked all the imaginary boxes.

Its the day of the date and I've thrown on my first date outfit (Yes I actually have an outfit for first dates now I go on that many of them!)

We've decided to go for dinner in a nice place near me, we both have work the following day so we are gonna drive and meet there.

I arrive a few minutes early and order a spritzer, I might need the the alcohol.

He arrives a few minutes later, hes not bad looking and we go sit at our table.

The conversation  is flowing easily enough and we are getting on well.

Until I open a can of worms and the little feckers all come wriggling out.....

In conversation I say:

Me: You must have to get up at the crack of dawn if your farming?

PB: Ye I get up about 7 and go out and do the milking and then mam makes us breakfast about 10

Me: Your mam makes you breakfast, that's nice?

PB: Ye well she makes it before she goes to work and just leaves it out for us and then she comes home on her lunch to make OUR lunch

Me: She comes HOME FROM WORK on her lunch break to MAKE YOUR LUNCH?

PB: Ye

Me: So she makes your breakfast and your lunch

PB: Yes and then dinner is at 5:15

Me: and let me guess she makes that too

PB: ah ye, id burn water, mammy does all the cooking

Me: and what if your mams sick, what do yas do?

PB: She orders us a takeaway

Me: Does she do your washing?

PB: ah ye, I couldn't work the washing machine

Me: Your 28, you lived in Australia for over a year what did you do over there?

PB: Lived with girls who could do it all for me!

So he's starting to paint me a picture of what his life is like!

And what he kind of envisions married life to be for his wife

How I picture Married Life

Don't think this is gonna work.....

He was a lovely bloke but we are just worlds apart so best not to waste each others time.

Resolutions have been scrapped after less than a month but no one can say I didn't try! Made some new ones, more realistic ones this time, none of which have anything to do with dating.

But before I leave ya's I'll give you a sneeky peek at him so you can judge him for yourself!

What yas reckon ;)

Ok so its not really him.. did I have ya goin'?

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What NOT to do when creating your dating profile....

Unfortunately I have been smothered with Flu & Laryngitis this week so wasn't really in the humor of getting dolled up to meet up with anymore victims but lucky for you it gave me loads of time in bed to chat to guys online and as usual they didn't disappoint. My sleep pattern was also all over the place so I was online until stupid o'clock and that seems to be when all the crazy's come out of the woodwork....

I got welcomed by a message from someone who's user name was ...Charmer (I'm not giving his full user name to protect his privacy)

This so called Charmer opened with...

FAKE

I replied ... 

Excuse me?

I clicked on his profile and started to read it in an old Dublin accent in my head (I'm from Dublin so I wasn't slagging its just how it came across) so you do the same cause it made me giggle when I did it!

If ya cant have a full BLOWIN conversation?

Fi-yer Light-erz fi-eve fer fif-tee!

Sounds like a real catch right?

A few minutes later I get a reply about the fake statement!

I really wasn't in the humor for this BS!

He replied with:

You Rude little bitch, I new i woz rite about ye, your one of those vain little cunts who tinks der are only brilliant, i hope your next fella sortz ye out wet a ghood slap, i have a good heart & respect women and resive it when it is givin... your nobody d way you speak...

Ye really sounds like you respect women!

He deleted his profile after that....

Nosing through a few profiles and maybe I am just a fussy wagon but if your going onto a dating website I think guys need to be abit more selective about what pictures they put up of themselves.....

I'm on a boat Muttha F*kka!!

or

Just a friend, OK!

Just another friend? me thinks the gentleman prefers blonde's!

I know what I'll do..... 

I'll take a photo of myself in the bathroom mirror

nah still not right.... maybe......

 it needs to be Black and white?

Nope....

Still not right....

Maybe I should take......

MY TOP OFF!

Jaysis!

can you spot whats wrong with this picture?

No man should EVER wear CROCS..... EVER!!!

This one is my favourite........

Just hangin out......

In my crack den!!WTF???

In between all my snooping I get a mail saying " You Ready?"

No reply!?!?

I think I just rumbled Larry Murphy

I've been logged off a few days cause my flu escalated to stage 3 Man flu (stage 5 is death), but talking to a few potentials for dates next week, so as always I will keep you all informed!

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OH and one last thing, incase you are wondering, he still never text!!!

Read at 6:25pm......

Don't even know where to start this week.........

Right, so the guy I texted the wrong message to on the date and got sick in his office actually wanted to see me again!! Fucking amazing I KNOW!!! 
We were still texting every day, some days more than others, felt like he was being a little off but was still wanting to meet up the following weekend so I could of just been paranoid- this happens when I have two days off in a row, to much time to think and over analyze every little thing or do I just have really good instincts, that I never manage to follow? hmmmm

We had said that we would do something on Sunday, no definite details, I thought, sure we can iron out the details later in the week, it was only Monday after all.

I text him Tuesday but he never wrote back and iPhone being the amazing (and somewhat SMUG) inventions that they are, rub your face in it, so that when you send a message to another iPhone owner, sometimes it will say "delivered" under the message and sometimes it will say "read at ....." whatever time.
I can only speculate, but I think that Steve Jobs, being the creative genius that he was installed this little detail so crazy bitches like me, will see it and when he hasn't wrote back 20 minutes later can be found in the corner of a dark room, rocking back and forward in floods of tears, wondering why has he not wrote back???? Why??/ WHHHHHYYYY??? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
That's only a theory......

So I sat for hours looking at the phone.......
No I didn't really, I got on with my life and when I still hadn't heard anything the next day, I thought, 

"Well screw you, two can play that game"

So I didn't text him. 
The following day (we are up to Thursday now) low and behold I get a text.... 

"Are you still alive?" 

so I casually responded with

 "yes sorry was working all day, hows u?".

 A few years ago, fifth gear crazy would have kicked in and I would of said something like

 "Ehhhhhh I text you yesterday and you never wrote back, whatever, anyway, hows u?"

Thankfully I'm not a headcase anymore (I still thought it, I just didn't say it)

This is how it played out...

Awwwww cute I thought, so I said ye and we chatted more then I hit the hay.

Friday rolled round and when I finished work for the day I dropped him a text telling him I won a few bob on the Euro Millions but didn't hear back, but wasn't worrying, thought hes prob working late and was to happy with my windfall to really care that I hadn't heard from him.

Mid day Saturday (day I was supposed to go to him for dinner)  I gave him a quick text on my break to see if he wanted me to pick up anything for tonight and went back to work thinking I'll check my phone when I finish work and if he wants me to get anything I can swing by the shop on my way home. 

So I clock off for the day, grab my phone from my bag but there's no texts back not from him anyway, so I text joking 

"You alive?" and drive home. 

Go straight for a shower when I get home and when I get back to my room, still nothin.......... WTF???

So I text one of the girls and tell her my dilemma. I'm supposed to be leaving in half an hour to head down to him but haven't heard from him all day. I've text him and haven't heard back, he could be still in work, but again the dreaded iPhone had informed me that he had read both messages a while ago, surely he could take 30 seconds to write back????
Should I call him? does that look desperate?? But we'd made plans, I was getting agro with the anxiety and my bessie said just call him and say your leaving in a while just checking the address or something. 
So I bite the bullet and dial his number, it rings and rings and rings and rings and rings.... then....... ANSWERING MACHINE!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm trying not to get worked up so I just do my hair and make up and get dressed but when its ten minutes past the time I was due to leave and I still haven't heard anything I'm getting a little pissed.

Talk about all dolled up with no where to go :(

I have little to no patience... ever... in any situation... least of all waiting around for a bloke who cant bother his hole to text me and say somethings come up or has the decency to tell me he's changed his mind and wants to call of the date, so I get onto one of my friends who is always up for a last minute night out and 40 minutes later I'm in hers with a glass of pinot having a rant.

We go out and have a great laugh and it distracts me for a few hours until I drunkenly fall into bed. 

I wake up Sunday morning relieved I didn't drunkenly call him and abuse his answering machine for him being a ignorant SHITEHAWK but I'm disappointed cause I was half expecting a text from him, but nothing!! 

And still all day nothing, still don't know if he's dead or alive? He's obviously alive, his iPhone told me he read the message, dead people cant check there texts ;) ......

I'm not too proud to say I'm a little gutted, I did like him and even if he didnt go anywhere I had actually thought we would be friends cause we got along so well, but alas t'was not meant to be...

Still secretly in the back of my mind thinking...

Has he been in an accident? Did something really serious come up? was he involved in a tiger kidnapping and they are showing him his texts but wont let him reply? Did he loose his thumbs and cant text and doesn't have SERIE?

Obviously I don't believe any of those idealism's but a girl can dream.... 

I do believe that karma's a bitch and hopefully it will bite him in the ass like a rampant dog! Thats All!!

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Boxed off.....

So far the main outcome of ALL of my dates has been that the guy has done something god awful and I've decided not to see him again, ALL until this weekend.... this weekend it was my turn to be the A-Hole.

I had been emailing and then texting a guy in similar profession to me (except A LOT more successful, a number of business's under his belt) and we had decided to go on a date to a very fancy restaurant and have a few drinks. I was finally giving up on my sober date rule and decided that this time I was going to throw caution to the wind and just go back to the good ole fashioned Irish way of doing things and just get trollied and hope for the best!

I spent the week on a soup and smoothie diet to ensure I'd fit into a very sexy LBD, got my hair done, got buffed, bronzed and beautiful and set about on my way.

I was staying in a friends house and dropped my car off and got a taxi to meet him. I wasn't feeling that nervous but I had a bad feeling in the pit of stomach. I had this dread that he was not going to look like his pictures and that this was just going to be another big disaster, after all we were getting along really well by text and with my track record it was only right that it was all going to go Pete Tong.

I had told him to make sure he was there on time because I hate waiting and I would just walk off if he wasn't there, so I was relieved when I walked to our meeting place and saw him standing there. He didn't look as good as his pictures, but still alright, I look better in my pics too, so It wasn't a deal breaker.
We were walking, luckily I had warn my trusted killer heels that I could probably river dance in and he was chatting away, no awkwardness, a welcome relief! He had described himself as 6 foot, I'm only 5'5" and was in heels but thought he looked a bit short, but again wasn't a big deal.

Got to our venue and I said I'd grab a seat while we were waiting and he went to the bar. I took out my phone to text my friend and give her a very brief message to give her my first impression and could update her on my toilet breaks of how it was progressing. So I pulled it out of my bag and typed

"Hes alright, bit short!"

SEND......... 3 SECOND LATER

OH H*LY MOTHER OF DIVINE........

I've only gone and sent it to him!!!!! He's at the bar ordering a drink and I'm sitting about ten feet away at a table looking from him to my phone, thinking, SH**************************TTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
Iphones really should have a "Are you sure you want to send this text?" option after 9pm

If I had a brain I'd be dangerous

There's no way to get this message back, its now on his phone so I either need to try get the phone off him or face the music. I'm wondering could I ask him could I use HIS phone and delete it, but he would see it as soon as he takes his phone out, if he hasn't already, I'm doomed. I'm just gonna have to face whatever he says, if he comes back from the bar that is.

Feels like he's been gone for ten hours, text my friend to tell her what I did and manage to actually send it to her this time, WELL DONE!

He eventually comes back with two big cocktails and 4 shots, I've never been so happy to see alcohol. He doesn't say anything about my slip up so maybe he just laughed and thinks I'm a gobshite.

We are getting on great, drinks are flowing, conversation is so relaxed, this is the first guy I've been on a date with that I'm actually thinking I might like to see him again.

We are literally working our way through the cocktail list, trying anything that sounds fruity and alcoholic, well that's my manner of elimination anyway! Doing shots of Jaiger and Sambuca in between, fighting each other to pay for a round.  He wont let me pay for anything, which is very gentlemanly but not a thing I'm really used to, I'm quite head strong and independent and like to pay my way but its a battle to get the waitress to take money from ME and ignore his protests. I think I pay for two rounds in total and there are A HEAP OF ROUNDS!

Porn Star Martini's Do NOT make you a porn star!

I get back from a trip to the bathroom and he tells me hes gotten my text and stands up to show me how tall he actually is and we laugh about how much of an idiot I am!
Crisis Averted...

I have my moments when I can really handle my drink, that was one of those nights. I really don't know how my liver and kidney didn't pack a bag and leave. I actually think I was the more sober of the two of us. Its past closing time and we've been smooching like two teenagers in the middle of a very crowded bar, all very cringy, but I wasn't complaining, could have been the beer or in our case Sambuca goggles, but I really liked him.

Its closing time and we really have had more than our fair share of booze and I say I better get a cab soon and we walk outside.

He had told me during the week that he had opened a new business and decided now was the time to show it to me and me being a very drunken monkey said OK!!

We get a taxi and arrive at his new venture which is very nice, he shows me around and then shows me his office upstairs with its very own living area and conference room. I take one look at the huge white sofa's and think one thing..... SLEEEEEEEEEEEP! My ass hasn't even touched the sofa and I'm out cold. He says he tried to wake me but I was having none of it, so he got comfy beside me.

I woke up at about 7am thinking where the hell am I? and before I can even process my where abouts, my stomach decides to serve last nights alcohol an eviction notice, I run down the stairs and beeline for the bathroom. Throw up in a very lady like fashion and go back upstairs. It's my turn to try wake him and he's not having it either and pulls me back onto the sofa. I don't need to be asked twice, I crash out again!

Wake up a while later because someone is trying to get in down stairs and I can hear them wiggling there key and rattling the giant glass door. 

OH NO :( DID SOMEONE ORDER A WALK OF SHAME?

I get him to wake up and go down to let them in, its his team, all ready to start a decent days work and I'm upstairs in last nights clothes, hair and make up with sick breath! I want to get out of there as quickly as possible, but my stomach has other ideas, it would like to torture me for a bit longer, I know I don't have long but I am on my ass going downstairs to the bathroom where his staff and now customers are.

There are loads of boxes of stock and new equipment in the living area so I grab the closest empty box, dart into the conference room and get on my hands and knee's under the desk and stick my head in it. Its not pretty, visually or audibly! But I'm far to sick to start thinking about my dignity now.

He offers me a coffee but its not going to stay down so I turn it down, opting for a taxi home instead, but he tells me to sleep it off for a bit longer, I don't argue, I don't have the energy! We are back cuddled up on the sofa for a few more hours until I've been up and down dry retching to my trusty box about 6 times and think this is really embarrassing I really need to get home ASAP!

Finally get my head together and order a taxi, try and sneak out the door downstairs without making eye contact with anyone, but I walk in the wrong direction and my best efforts at a sideways crab crawl Fail and I'm sure they get a good look at the boss's indiscretion complete with her own box of sick (which I wrapped in bubble wrap in case it burst).

So me and my new cardboard best friend share a taxi home 

Amazingly he texts me and says he had a really good time and tells me not to worry, he got sick soon as I left! every cloud..... We are still texting and funnily enough on the first date of my last relationship I got too drunk and got sick and thrown out of a club and was with him for five years so Maybe I have uncovered the secret on how to bag a man?

MAYBE????

MAYBE NOT???

But we are still talking to we will see... as always I will keep you informed!

Dont forget if you want to share your stories you can mail them to me at

Idratherbealonethan@gmail.com

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Oh and one last thing, anyone ever heard of a book called THE GAME??

It's basically a "How to pick up girls for dummy's" Kind of book for (I'm guessing) very very sad men, but I have heard of a lot of guys using some pointers from it to pick up girls.

So Single girls, fight back, read this great article from Marie Claire magazine, outlining how to turn it around and use these "techniques" on them, fight fire with fire girls!!!! Its a war zone out there!!!!!

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/expert-flirting-tips#slide-1

Thanks for reading folks :)

The Game Is Over.....

Where we Left off was.....

I was hightailing it South down the M1, like Thelma and Louise, minus the Louise.... thinking

WHAT THE HELL HAS JUST HAPPENED???

Did he really ask me out on New years eve? Hold my hand across the table? Kiss me after eating garlic? Stare into my soul with every chance he got? all after being almost an hour late.... and then ask me what am I going to tell my friends about him? 

This my friends was a stage 5 FRUIT LOOP!

He will have to be cut loose, but not tonight, I've had enough of him for one day!
Of course he texts soon as he gets home and the next day when I don't reply he doesn't get disheartened.... OH NO!!!! he keeps going so I give in and open up facebook to mail him, bit to long for texting, I'll try be as nice as possible and let him down gently....

I type.....

hey,
Im really sorry, but ive been thinking loads since the other day, I dont think we are gonna work, we live to far away and my heads abit all over the place, you are a really lovely, handsome, sweet guy and you deserve someone who isnt going to string you along, 
Ive been on a few dates over the past few weeks and I just dont think im ready to get serious yet and I think saturday was abit too intense for me, like we were moving very fast, holding hands and talking about new years in the car it all just felt to much when I thought about it on the drive home and then for the past few days. 
Im really sorry and like I said you are a really nice guy and if your ever down south definitely give me a shout and we will meet for a drink.

Take care

Ten Mins Later I get a text:

"I GOT YOUR MAIL ON FACEBOOK"- in big angry capitols, I'm thinking don't you shout at me, not my fault your mental!!

I also have a mail:

Maybe we wer gettin ahead of r selves talkin biut new years n that. But i thought r date was comfy in bar n u said was ok to hold hands. (I FUCKIN DID NOT) But im not surprised as im used to failing first date anyway. R u into someone else?

Jesus, I really feel like given it the backwards cliche... Its not me ITS YOU!!!!

But I hold my cool and reply

I just don't think I'm ready for anything that heavy, I've just been enjoying meeting new people I think maybe I need to be single for another little while, it's just how I feel, I think when you click with someone you know and I just haven't felt that, I don't want to drag it out. No not interested in anyone else, been in contact with a few guys but haven't and don't think I will be arranging to meet up with anyone for a while. (OK that was a lie I'd be back online in a day or two but no need to rub his face in it) I'm really sorry but it's just how I feel and I don't want to hurt you by stringing you along any longer!

So not only do.......

obviously blokes do be too!

So a few days later, I'm back on the horse and scouring the net for my next victim.

I start talking to a 24 year old from Dublin, who has a few drunken pics along with a very enjoyable topless shot taken in his mirror (not to classy, but Internet beggars cant be choosers!)

He also has a pic where he is the spitting image of PITBULL the rapper fella, so I mail him to tell him that I think hes a ringer for him and he should be an impersonator, he tells me he was thinking of being a stripping impersonator called "STRIPBULL!!" 

I actually laugh out loud, but convo fizzles out pretty quick after that.

Then I get a message from another guy, every girls favourite........

If your squeamish LOOK AWAY NOW!!!!

I didn't know penis's could type!

Starting to think I'm abit drained after the few weeks, I've had it with the ole T'internet dating. Just as I decide to delete my profile, I get chatting to a nice bloke from Dublin, has a good job, no kids, his own head of hair, drives, is a dog lover and wants to "BRING ME OUT" not go on a date or meet for a coffee actually BRING ME OUT, to dinner and drinks no less! So I'm letting him, this weekend. I'm really hoping he's not a relation of Larry Murphy and is actually a normal human being, so you can all ask your grannies to put me in their Novena's this Tuesday and light a candle for me at mass that'd be great!

THAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS!

I'll keep you informed. I know you're all hoping its as eventful and disastrous as the last few for your entertainment, but Id like to actually fancy a bloke and maybe even want to see him again!

Never know I might be the mad one this time!

But before I leave ya's for another week gonna ask ya's something

No.1: Ever met a guy and he appears funny, but a little too cocky, not afraid to slag your hair, lipstick, what your wearing or your personality? but you still fancy the arse off him?

No:2 Ever been out and a fella is wearing a stupid tshirt, a pair of novelty glasses or a stupid hat? So you stop him to slag him off or try it on and end up chatting to him for ages? Then does he try number 1 and you end up fancying him?


I think I might know why, but I'm still looking into it so I'll get back to you next week!!

Would love to hear some of your stories and possibly share them with everyone, anonymously if you like. mail them to Idratherbealonethan@gmail.com or just to have a read and feel better about my shit track record!

Will I give him a second date?

One of the first guys I was messaging online- we will call him Dave- looked BE-EA-UT-IIIIII-FUL in his picture, really attractive and he messaged me first.... SCORE!

This is how it started.......

Him-       So what u go for in a guy?

Me-	Em, someone with a bit of ambition, who doesn't take things to serious, love when a guy can make me laugh, never been with a romantic guy before but would like to try it, what about you? What do you like in a girl?

Him-	Fun, bubbly, good sense humor, good company. Think u fit the bill? -(More than think, I know)-I didn't say that

Me-	Ye I think so, does that sound big headed ha? What about u, do u meet my criteria ;)

Him-	I guess so, does that sound big headed lol

Me-	Hard not to sound like your blowing your own trumpet on this isn't it!! I'm amazing, Everyone thinks I'm Amazing you will too!haahahahaaa ***** I'm gonna Highlight a few details that will pop up again later!

So we keep messaging for a few days, small talk about random crap-

What we are dressing up as for Halloween

That it's his birthday during the week bla bla bla,

After my fancy dress night out he asks to see a pic, so I said,

"Add me on Facebook and you can see my pics......." so he does.

Then he asks for my number to text me?

We are getting on good and I reckon if he's seen all my drunken profile photos and still interested... 

WINNER, WINNER CHICKEN DINNER! 

So we exchange numbers.

We go into a bit more detail about past relationships and more about what we would like in a future partner.

I say I need a Manly man cause I'm very opinionated and strong minded, so I need someone who can put me back in my box every once in a while. (Not literally, I'd get Claustrophobic)

So Early in the week we make arrangements to meet that weekend, again for another day date. I'm a firm believer that if a guy can hold a conversation over a cup of tea/coffee and doesn't need dutch courage then we will get on like a house on fire.

I wake up one morning to a nice, "Good Morning, How did you sleep" kind of text from HIM and a load of missed calls from my dad. I find out a member of my family has had a terrible accident and I rush to my families side, don't even think to text him back till the next day. When I tell him what happened, he sends me a lovely message and tells me if there is anything he can do to just let him know. He keeps texting me at hourly intervals asking is there anything he can do to put a smile on my face? little does he know, every message has me grinning from ear to ear.

I get through a week of hell with my family by my side and have a date to look forward to, so some light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Every second text makes me shout at the phone

 "YOUR SO FRIGGIN CUTE!!!!" 

The poor dog jumps out of her fur every time I do!

Now anyone that knows me, knows that I have a (some may call) unhealthy love for The  X-factor.

I cry during auditions. I scream and rant when a joke act gets put through over a real talent by the poisoned dwarf that is Louis Walsh. I used to force my ex to sit through it with me and listen to my constant commentary on who was brilliant and who was having a very bad week. I would be delighted if he sat and watched ten minutes complaint free, its the little things! 

So I didn't really know how to take it when this guy began asking me do I watch it?

I didn't want to scare him off, so I put a lid on the crazy and kept it light with "I think Ella is great, James rocks my socks and Rylan needs to be locked in the broom cupboard so we don't have to listen to him" that kindda thing.

You can imagine my shock when he starts telling me stuff that I didn't even know. Now I mean, if he was on mastermind, he would be in the black chair and it would be his specialist subject. I didn't really know how to take this little nugget of information but I rolled with it and just tried to change the subject when I got bored but not before I pointed out that he was a little obsessed, thought maybe if I planted the seed he might put a lid on his own crazy!

We are really running out of conversation when he asks what I'm doing and I tell him I'm cleaning out my handbag cause my perfume smashed and he starts talking to me about aftershave, but i do humor him for one text saying 

I love when a guy walks by me in the street or in a pub and he smells amazing

 ( I didn't mention that when that happens, I often want to hop on the un-suspecting male and lick his face)

So its the day of the date and I remember him saying he would like a Kind girlfriend and as it was only his birthday the week before I stop of at the bakery and pick him up a cupcake and pop the box in my handbag. I'm running late so I text and ask can we push it back by half an hour, he agrees and a while later I'm on the road.

Now this is the first, of about 9 guys that I have been in contact with that I'm thinking, hes a little special, something might come of this, when my phone beeps I hope it's him, hes hot in his pics, has a good job and loads of ambition, he drives ( I have had serious issues with bus wanker boyfriends in the past!) and seems to get my sense of humor. He's ticking all the boxes.

So I arrive a few minutes early and go in and get a seat. Give him a quick text telling him what door to come in and where I'm sitting and order myself a coffee. Trying to look cool and casual while i sit and wait.....

Ten minutes pass and I'm texting my friend saying, "if I've been stood up I'm necking a vodka before i drive home!"

Twenty minutes pass and I look at every person who comes in the door, is this him? was it a really old photo? is he really 95 with a handlebar mustache and a pirate peg leg???

Twenty Two minutes and I've been stood up or hes done the ultimate insult and walked in, saw me and left.  So I call him....... No answer!  So I finish my coffee and leave.

I'm in the car, fuming at myself for starting to like someone and been made fool of.

I cant even listen to One Direction being all happy about living while there young, have to turn them off. I'm about ten minutes away at a friends house and I get a text,

" sorry twenty Min's away, really sorry got delayed be there asap"

I've had enough of men taking the piss out of me, I'm not going back for him to still walk in decide I'm a minger and leave so I text him

"Look i left 10 mins ago, i thought id been stood up, I'm near where we were due to meet but you can come to me, I'm not going back down"

Few minutes later he texts

"no problem, where are you?"

He's on the way and I'm yo yo'n between being annoyed at him for being late but happy that I haven't been stood up.

He pulls up and I leave him waiting a minute or two, soon as I open the door he's all apologies, he got stuck in  traffic and got lost. I tell him to just forget about it and go to give him a hug and a peck but he smacks the lips on me. Needless to say I'm gob smacked, literally, but I go with it, after all this is the guy who has been putting a smile on my stupid face through a very shitty week.

Eventually he lets go and we get going, then something becomes very obvious..........

The reason he was almost an hour late probably has a lot to do with the fact that he drives like he has only learnt to drive 6 hours ago.

He feeds the steering wheel through his hands the way your driving instructor tells you to but you cant do for any longer than five minutes unless your in your driving test. 

He takes every corner like the kerb has a thousand machete's sticking out of it and his tyres are made of helium balloons.

He took two hours to take a corner. I would have been quicker getting out and pushing the car. The very short drive takes agonizingly long but I think to myself maybe he has only learnt to drive or knows he has very precious cargo on board, so I let it go.

Get out of the car and walk to the venue of what is to be our first date.... again for me!

Then I get a smack in the face............. of the aftershave, smells lovely but its very close to Halloween and I'm worried with all the bonfires around he might burst into flames!

We sit at the table and I take my jacket off and his eyes nearly fall out of his head. I'm wearing a buttoned up blouse, so I'm thinking shit has the blouse opened and I'm doing a Janet Jackson and having a wardrobe malfunction, but i look down and everything is as it should be. Dunno what hes looking at.

Order the food and start chatting. He has a very intense stare and when he manages to look at my face and not my chest, I realize he has the CRAZY EYES!!! 

Image may not depict his actual eyes, but its pretty dam close    

We are chatting away, not as easily as I thought we would be because every time I start to speak, I feel like I could be saying "I have 17 toes and was born with a tail"and he wouldn't really be listening cause either he cant understand my accent or is really fixated with the print on my top, its very distracting. 

I'm uncomfortable and praying the food hurries up. I keep fidgeting; going from pressing my finger against my temple, crossing my arms, putting my arm across my chest and onto my shoulder, when I notice that every move I make, he is mirroring.... or am I just being paranoid..... I put it to the test.

I scratch my head....

He scratches his head..

I rub my eye...

He rubs his eye...

I'm remembering a episode of The Big Bang Theory where Howard is telling the guys a great way to tell a girl your interested is to mirror her actions. I'm wondering, is this really happening or is Jennifer Maguire gonna jump out from behind the bar and tell me there just extracting the urine and I'm gonna be on the telly!!!

Food comes and I'm not even hungry but I eat so i don't have to talk.

I'm finished eating and he's polished off all his and asks can he try mine? I tell him to work away, he goes for the dip and I say its GARLIC and he picks up a load of it and scoffs it.

Whoop Whoop- hes not planning on kissing me, he thinks this is going bad too, wuhuuu maybe there is something we have in common after all.

The plates are cleared and he notices some of my tattoo's and rubs them as he looks at them and then does my ultimate deal breaker.............................

HE HOLDS MY HAND ACROSS THE TABLE!

NOW, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with public displays of affection, in fact I wish some of my exes had of been more affectionate but I think this is a bit intense for a first date, especially one that I am darting to the finish line for.

I was praying for MORK to come and NANU NANU me outta there

Scotty to beam me up

Dorothy's house to land on top of me.............. anything, just gimme back my hand!!!!!

It wasn't just a little hold and then a smile and let go. Nooooooooo he held that bad boy until I actually got pins and needles and couldn't feel my pinky and index finger. I am no good with sober confrontation, not with guys who really are just doing what I had asked- offering a little romance. I hadn't the heart to say your really making me uncomfortable and I feel like slipping off to the bathroom and not coming back.

So I sit there for what feels like 73 hours but is probably more like three minutes until I cant take the pins and needles anymore. So I say I need the bathroom and give my hand a good bang off the leg of the chair to try get the circulation going again.

I few more awkward topics later and I say I really should get going and he reminds me that he has to drop me back to my car.... dam it, was gonna get the flup outta there.

When we get outside and start walking, he wants to take the long way and walk hand in hand, I settle with linking him, that's all hes getting my hands been through enough!

So we take the long way round and it's Baltic out there, my knees are knocking, my teeth are chattering the lot and he notices how cold I am and stops. Throws his arms around me and starts rubbing my back like your mam would to warm ye up, then out of no where, squeezes me like hes giving me the Heimlich, he nearly cracks my ribs, I know I said I wanted a manly man but I'd like to be able to breath please.

Eventually, get round to the car and take what should be the ten minute drive back to the car and he goes in for the kill again, so I give him a little kiss and try to Usain Bolt, but he collars me and asks did I have a good time?

I'm not gonna be mean so I say, "yea it was nice"

then he asks what am I gonna tell my friends about him, Jesus Pat Kenny whats with all the questions? talk about putting you on the spot, I just say 

"I'll think about it on the drive home", 

He says, so do you want to do something maybe next weekend, again I don't want to be a mega bitch, we are obviously not on the same page about how this is going, 

so I say "Em Maybe, we will see".....maybe, 

then as if he hasn't done enough to knock me off my game he drops the bomb............................

"So do you want to come out with me.................................. ON NEW YEARS EVE?"

As in, over 60 days from that moment. Now I don't know about the rest of you but on a first date some things can take you by surprise, like the guy can talk about his sister a little to fondly or let slip that his mam still makes his bed or pick his nose and wipe it under the table but this was a first for me!

If I was able to maintain the attraction I felt for him when we were texting, throughout the first few hours of our meeting I may have thought this was a lovely gesture but I think I still would have been a little freaked out.

With my inability to be honest with him about almost every thing he sprung on me through out the date, I finally found my balls and said 

"ye sure!!!".................

JOKING, I'm not that bad, I told him, it was abit far away to think about yet, he looked like he just dropped his ice cream!

I wasn't sticking around for anymore questions, I ran for the car like Chucky was after me!

Was ready for the long drive home of analyzing and then I remembered...............

Big Hunk of chocolaty goodness in my handbag............ Ah the Original Brown Hound Cupcake.................

To be continued....................


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